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                                    Subject:  Riddles

 


 What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
       Juan on Juan.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What is a Yankee?
       The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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 Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
       To get some air to his brain.
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 What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
      The position of the dirt bag.
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 Why is divorce so expensive?
     Because it's worth it.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
    One US leader.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
       From the snoring.
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 What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
     Doughnuts.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Why is air a lot like sex?
       Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
       Because Janet Reno is her real father.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
       100 people who don't do dick
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
       You push it aside and keep on eating!
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 How did the tugboat get AIDs?
       It was rear-ended by a ferry.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
  That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
   Depends...
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 Define "Egghead:"
       What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
       Popeye almost killed him!
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 What's the definition of a teenager?
       God's punishment for enjoying sex.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
       "Nice Dick!"
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What's the definition of eternity?
       4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
       His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What's the definition of indefinitely?
       When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're
 in....definitely!
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day.
 What do single guys have?
      Palm Sunday.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
       They are both used as a meat substitute.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Why is sex like a game of bridge?
       If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
       They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
       Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 How is a woman like a condom?
       Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
       By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you
       have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
       It's not hard. 


 

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                           Shot In The Stomach 3 Times

A Pregnant woman is in a bank. The bank gets held up and she gets shot in the stomach three times.
She gets rushed to the hospital where the doctor tells her it would be too dangerous to remove the bullets. That he would have to leave the bullets in her, but assured her she would be fine and have a normal pregnancy.

Later she gives birth to triplets, two girls and a boy. All three healthy and fine.

Sixteen years pass...

One of the daughters comes running into the room crying to her mother.

Mother asks, "What's wrong?"

The daughter says "I was going pee and peed out a bullet."

Mother tells her she'll be fine and explained what happened to her sixteen years earlier.

Next day her other daughter comes running into the room crying. "What's
wrong?" asks her mother.


Her daughter replies "I was going pee and peed out a bullet."

The mother tells her the same thing and that she would be fine and explains what happened to her sixteen years ago.

The next day her son comes running in the room crying. The mother says
don't tell me you were taking a pee and peed out a bullet.

No says the boy, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!!!!! 

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                                                  Subject: Two Cowboys  :)
 
 
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
 
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.  

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no."Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.  

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
 
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
 

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                                                                    Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,  Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking  up,"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

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                                                                  4 Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her
friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second one chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  Whenever he walks into a
room,  everyone calls him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him "Your Eminence'".

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The other three
ladies look at her and ask,   "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a 6'2", hard-bodied stripper and hung like a
hippo. When he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh, my God!"

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                                                                       Mailman

 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but.......  what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

" He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar.

" The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."  

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                                          Romance 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.  With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:  "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!"
 

  Him:  "Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
  Her:  "No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?"
  Him:  "Oh come on!  There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
  Her:  "No way.  It's just too risky!"
  Him  (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
  Her:  "No, no, and no.   I love you too, but I just can't!"
  Him:  "Oh yes you can.  Please?"
  Her:   "No, no.  I just can't"
  Him:  "I beg you ... " 

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.  Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. 

But for Christ's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

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                                                                        Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him:  "How does that feel?" 

To which he replied:  "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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 Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move.  A
 real New Jersey driver never uses them.

 2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe
 distance between you and the car in front of you, or
 the space will be filled in by somebody else putting
 you in an even more dangerous situation.

 3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change
 is considered going with the flow.

 4. The faster you drive through a red light, the
 smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

 5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop
 sign.  No one expects it and it will inevitably result
 in you being rear ended..  If you want your insurance
 company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a
 complete stop at all stop signs.

 6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to
 see how many people can cut in line by passing you on
 the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the
 same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
 the orange construction barrels.

 7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs
 extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance
 state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

 8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as
 possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a
 nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
 pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
 to stretch your legs.

 9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the
 right.. It's a good way to scare people entering the
 highway.

 10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only
 as suggestions and are apparently not  enforceable in
 New Jersey during rush! hour.

 11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no
 room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New
 Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you
 doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

 12. Please remember that there is no such thing as
 a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.

 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an
 accident or even someone changing a tire.

 14. Learn to swerve abruptly.  New Jersey is the home
 of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State
 Highway Department, which puts potholes in key
 locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on
 their toes.

 15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your
 horn at cars that don't move the instant the light
 changes.

 16. Never take a green light at face value.  Always
 look right and left before  proceeding.

 17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver
 is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

 18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose
 and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or
 in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

 19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their
 girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per
 hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

 20. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird'
 is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture
 should always be returned.
 

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                                             Old Lady In A Nursing Home

 

Old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me  ma'am but you were speeding.
Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and  sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out of a  room and says,

"Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there

Can I see your  registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.  He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an  erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says,

"Oh, Goodie, the Breathalyzer test again!"

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