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                                            New Husband Mart - Dallas, Texas

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
 
The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
 
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day

 

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                                                        South Brooklyn Tony

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER

South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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                                                                     Electric Company    
 

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike.

But it should be noted that you have no choice.

We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you.

You have no choice.

We have the power, you need the power.

So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.

Have a nice day and keep those checks coming, loser!

Sincerely,

Your Local Power Company
 


                                                    

                                                          Electric Company

                                                   Click Picture For Larger View

 

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                                                                      New Biker Gang    

Hi Friend,

 

I'm sorry to say this but this will be my last e-mail.

Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.

 

I want to take the time that's left and smell the roses.

So I am going to quit e-mailing jokes to you and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can.

Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people. It has been nice emailing you, but it's time to say good bye.

 

A photo of my new biker gang is attached....

I hope I'll be able to hold up! There could be a little stress involved!

 



                                                   

                                                      New Biker Gang

                                                                          Click Picture For Larger View

 

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                                                               I want to Kill My Husband

This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She said

"I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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                                                Got To Love New Jersey


A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat.

I've been told that I have a body just like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies, "This is Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "What's this?

She replies "Freehold."

Then he grabs her breast and asks "What's this?" She replies "Point Pleasant."

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says,

"Welcome to Wildwood!"

Gotta love New Jersey

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                                                           Stranded On A Desert Island

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My Gosh! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

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                                                                      Stupidest Kid Ever

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet.

Here, I'll show you.". "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.

Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"

The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.

Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from
the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

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                                                                        Subject: little dog
 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?  Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.  "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may  I take Belle for a walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said  the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag, soaked it  with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.  Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's  Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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                                                                          Subject: Old Farmer


An old farmer in Texas had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

He paused and then spoke again.................

"I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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                                                 Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners


1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over.
   Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy,
   "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."


5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off.
   I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me She told me that she only
   liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm
    sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
    father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
    I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid.
    There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the
    mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know
    but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
    told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?"
    He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His
    favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of
    those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.


And my Favorite:

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother !!!


 

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                                                   Redneck Sex Positions

 

 

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

 

The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

 

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

 

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.

 

Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'.....

 

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

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                                                                               Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but Idon't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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                                                              Poker Player


Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as themoral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John
doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!

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                                                                               Subject: smile
 
On the lighter side....

In case you haven't seen this before

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

  :) means a smile and


 :(  is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by


 :-) and


 :-( respectively.


 Well, how about some "assicons"?  Here goes:


 (_!_)       a regular ass


 (__!__)     a fat ass


 (!)              a tight ass

 (_*_)       a sore  ass

 {_!_}       a swishy ass

(_o_)       an ass that's been  around

 (_x_)       kiss my ass

 (_X_)       leave my ass alone

 (_zzz_)     a tired ass

 (_E=mc2_)   a smart ass

 (_$_)       Money coming out  of his ass

 (_?_)            Dumb Ass


 ....oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..
 oo*"           "*o.o*"        "*o.
 o                       o                       *o
....o                        o                         'o
 o                          o                         o.
 o                           o                          o
 o                          \o/                          o
 o                          --0--                        o
 o.                          /o\                          o
 o                            o                           o
  o                            o                          o
  o                            o                        oo
  oo                         o                        oo
  oo.                        oo                     oo
 'ooo.                   oo.                  ooo
 o ""oo,,         ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
 o.          """"""    oo        """""        o
'o                      oo                      o'
 o                      oo                     o
 'o                      o                     o*
 o                      o                    o
 o                      o                   o
 o                     o                  o
 o                     o                  o
 o                     o                 o
 o                     o                  o

 


You have just been e-mooned!  Send this to 5 people  within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your  e-mail. This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't  have bad luck.  (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

 

Happy e-mooning!!!

                                                                 

Subject:   Employee Joke
 

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today..

My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"      :)

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